Anand Mahalingam

Hello everyone

I know no one reads this thing anymore because I said i was going to update it but I never did. Regardless, I thought I’d start using this platform again as a way to help myself. I recently wrote a submission packet for the NBC Late Night Writers Workshop, and part of the packet was writing 1-2 pages of monologue jokes. I really enjoyed that exercise, mostly because when I’m developing jokes I’m in a really happy place and I can be really productive with other things. SO i’ve decided to start writing more of them. For the past couple weeks I have just been tweeting them out but now I’m gonna start collecting the favorites of the ones I’ve written so far and posting them. Gonna shoot for a daily update, hope for a weekly one, which means you’ll probably be getting these periodically.

Anyway, here we go!

• Rudy Giuliani said “So what?” in response to reports that Donald Trump  may have spoken to Michael Cohen about Cohen’s testimony to Congress. That’s a crazy irresponsible response from the President’s lawyer, but what’s crazier is the full quote – “So what? Robert Mueller is a vampire. A crazy vampire who wants to suck the President blood. Crazy Mueller Vampire!”
• Tomi Lahren and Cardi B got into a twitter fight about the government shutdown recently. If they took it to pay-per-view, they could re-open the government themselves.
• Kim Kardashian apparently made peace with Taylor Swift via Snapchat. Not to be outdone, Donald Trump DM’ed a picture of his penis to Vladimir Putin on Instagram.
• Senator Mike Bennet of Colorado slammed Ted Cruz for his “crocodile tears” over the government shutdown. Jokes on him, because real lizards can’t cry.
• Elizabeth Warren is going to propose a “wealth tax” on Americans who have over $50 million in assets, or as Donald Trump put it, “I never said I was a billionaire.”
• The President’s daughter-in-law Lara Trump said that the shutdown means “a little bit of pain” but is “so much bigger than one person”. Yes, much bigger than one person, but the White House says he’s in perfect health.
• Black Panther was the first superhero film nominated for Best Picture. It makes even more sense when you realize that the Oscar has basically been doing the “Wakanda Forever” greeting ever since the beginning.
• Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey says that Mark Zuckerberg once killed and served him goat for dinner. It got a little freaky when it was revealed that the goat’s name was “Jack Dorsey”.
• Dorsey claims that Zuckerberg killed the goat with “a laser gun” and then a knife. Yeah right, “laser gun“
• Virginia is in more hot water now, after its Attorney General revealed that he too wore blackface in college. The state of Washington and Jefferson still seems like it’s stuck in the time of Washington and Jefferson.
• For those keeping track at home, Virginia’s governor and attorney general have both worn blackface, and their lieutenant governor has recently been accused of misconduct. While this has definitely hurt their careers in the short-term rest assured they can enjoy a lengthy post-political life in the Trump Administration.
• The mother of a 9 year old child has been arrested after the child and some of his classmates got sick from weed gummies that were distributed at school. On the plus side, nap time went smoothly.